Sidewalk Bends

The words I could not say…

We love you.

We will miss you.

Forever in our hearts there will be a place for you.

We miss your company and yet you have not gone.

We miss your smile and yet you have not stopped smiling.

We miss your guidance and yet you have never stopped guiding.

We miss your warmth and yet your light shines ever brighter.

Go in peace, but never too far away.

This is dedicated to my mom who inspired this thought.

Several years ago while meditating I decided to ask God to show me Himself. I asked Him to show me what God is, and to remove any of my preconceived thoughts of God and of existence itself. I asked that any internal and external biases be removed so that I may come to understand.

As I asked this through my heart, I attempted to quiet my mind. What I experienced and what I saw I could not expect. With my eyes opened, I became blind. I could not see anything. Slowly my vision went, and everything became black. There was not even a hint of light. With my ears straining to hear any voice or sound, I could hear nothing. The buzzing of the street lights disappeared and the distant traffic became non-existent to my ears. I had become deaf. Next my racing mind seemed to pause. All thoughts sank away. Not even an image or random thought had crossed my mind. It was quiet, yet at the same time I was all too aware that it was quiet. It was not overwhelming. I was peace.

Not a worry had occupied me. As I became aware of this emptiness, this lack of sensation, I began to see a tunnel in my mind’s eye. At the end or perhaps it was the beginning, I saw what appeared to be a green light, beckoning, almost like a cocoon. With that, I began to hear again and I began to see again. The image had disappeared and thoughts came flooding back.

At the time this occurred, I thought I had understood what happened. I thought I knew what God or perhaps my inner self was trying to tell me. I found solace in this quietness, this communion of sorts. And yet today I found myself seeing more understanding in this experience. I found God to be everything, and at the same time I found God to be nothing. I found God to be peace, inner peace, a choice seemingly made by me, but not entirely by me. Perhaps like a seed in our heart, God is there waiting to be nurtured, waiting to show us our true selves, our true potential.

What or who is God to you?

The spirit and soul cannot be enslaved. They cannot be contained in a box or a container. They belong to no one and yet they belong to everyone and to everything. In this life or the next, they are witnesses to our every being. They are teachers. They are blank slates. They are memories made and memories to be made. They are conscious reminders of who we are and who we are to be. They are the spark of life, and yet they are not all of life. They are connected to all that is, and yet they have never been disconnected. They are not limited by distance. They are not limited by time or by the confines of the body. They are freedom personified.

In order to learn and to progress to the next level of understanding, sometimes one must start again. Sometimes we must destroy what we’ve learned in the past, and begin anew. This does not necessarily mean forgetting or discounting what we’ve learned, but to learn to see in a new light, a different light. Only then, can we begin to truly understand what it is we have missed entirely.

Often it is the case that we build upon past lessons. We learn something, we remember it and then we save it for a later time when we might need it again. Eventually that time comes and we use that knowledge to aide us in a new pursuit or dilemma. Again, we learn something new and that too will one day help us to understand what may come our way. And so it seems that in this fashion there is a progression. One thing builds upon another, which builds upon another and so on. For some there is a belief that the lessons never end. For others there is a plateau and a belief that what a given experience has to offer is beneath them.

Who is right is beside the point for we each perceive our existence differently. Some see and express themselves as individuals. They identify themselves by their personality, outwardly and inwardly. They may also associate themselves with particular groups depending on their physical traits and or personality traits. Whether by race, sex, creed, sexual orientation, political identification, socio-economic status, occupation, nationality or age, they sort and categorize themselves. This need to label and self-identify, often does not end with themselves but causes them to categorize others as well. It causes one to choose their friends and those they associate with on personal and professional level based on these categories and bins.

There are also those who could be seen as polar opposites who not only do not identify themselves with any particular group, but see the common thread in all groups. They see themselves belonging to multiple groups that when seen from a particular view, seem mixed and homogenized. The distinctions disappear, and suddenly there is no race, sex, creed, sexual orientation, political affiliation, and so on. Suddenly the things that were seen as dividing factors joins all of creation into a single entity. Some would say that to the individualist, identity has been lost. To those on the other side of the token, some would say that identity has not been lost. Instead it has been enhanced.

How can this be true if these groups that once brought cohesion, and sometimes disagreement and separation, were to disappear? How can the individual exist in a homogenous state? Some would argue that a true homogenous state is impossible if the individual still exists. Some would also argue that it is impossible for an individual to suppress that which makes him or her an individual in the first place. Further, even for the person who sees him or herself as connected to all things, they must also see them self as an individual otherwise they would not be able to contemplate the dilemma in the first place.

Where does the individual and the unity of all things begin and end? Is this a question one can even answer or begin to answer? To be part of that which we speak, one can only speculate and speak in conjectures or so it is said. This surely does not bring satisfaction to the most diligent among us for conjecture often leads to more conjecture.

Suddenly we are brought back to the beginning of the discussion. Must the individual be destroyed in order for progression to continue, must unity be destroyed in order for the individual to pursue progression, or is progression but an illusory state?

Progression suggests order, and order suggests a beginning and an end, again with each piece building upon the next. However if the beginning and the end become the same, or if all that is in between shrinks into nothingness, what are we left with? Are we left with causes and effects with nothing in between? Are we left with beginnings and ends, without context? Are we left with trials and tribulations without purpose? Or perhaps we are left with simply the Source? Is that sufficient an answer?

What source? What end? What purpose? We are left with more questions than answers. In a state of seemingly unending questions, we are left with nothing to quench the thirst of our pursuits. And perhaps that is the issue in and of itself. Each question of purpose or understanding leads to a desire for more explanations, and for a cause we can deem as worthwhile.

We each sit as judges against what we deem important and what should be discarded into the vortex of discontent and denial. Little do we realize, but all around us we are faced with the discarded. We are faced with the cast-offs of others, some of which we take in as our own and others that we see on its way.

Understanding becomes a personal choice. We can seek it in the refuse and in the discernment of others, or we can create it anew. If understanding is a personal choice, does that make progression a lever that we will pull that convinces us that our pursuits of it are not without cause? Could it be that we are running a race that has already been completed and so in that sense, the idea of progression keeps our focus on the race, rather than the reasons for why we’ve decided to take up that race in the first place?

Choice is a simple answer, perhaps too simple for some to accept. For in having choice, we have taken away blame on all others and have put the emphasis squarely on ourselves. For those who have been running away from their decisions all their lives, this can prove to be all too frightening. We are suddenly faced with the results of our own choices.

You haven’t known me until you’ve asked the right question…

What’s your name?
How old are you?
Are you married?
Do you have any children?
How old are they?
What do you do for a living?
What do you do for fun?
Where do you live?
Where do you work?
Where did you grow up?
Do you have any siblings?
What month were you born?
What’s your sign?
What kind of music do you like?
What kind of books do you enjoy?
Do you believe in God?
Do any of these questions matter?
Who are you?
Who am I?
Who are We?

child: “What does it mean, God?”

parent: “I don’t know honey. What does ‘God’ mean to you?”

child: “God means to love yourself.”

Earlier this afternoon, I used the word “God” in front of my son, and the preceding conversation ensued. Initially when my son asked me the meaning of God, I hesitated to give him an answer because I wanted him to form his own belief. I wanted him to come to his own understanding without being spoon fed my beliefs or the beliefs of my wife and our families. Little did I know that he would teach me. At four years old, he was very matter of fact, as if to say, “Dad, you are looking too hard. It’s right there in front you.” And so he was right. Love yourself.

People ask to see God all the time. They are told to go outside. And when they go outside, they see the stream as it trickles along, the knee high grass that waves in the wind, and the rays from the sun as it gives the sky a purple hue. They see butterflies float by and clouds scattered and dotting the vast expanse. The sounds of birds, and a symphony of insects and critters fill the air.

“Where is God,” they ask.

Again they are told to look outside. Outside they see children running by, laughing and playing. An old man sits on his stool humming to the sounds of nature. A couple is on their porch discussing the day’s events. A stranger is seen in the distance, his face out of view.

“Where is God,” they ask again.

They are told close the door and look inside. There they see their living room, filled with furniture. A mess is piled on the coffee table, and a fresh pot of coffee is brewing in the kitchen. It’s quiet and no one is home.

“Where is God,” they ask again.

They hear nothing. They see nothing. They smell nothing. They feel nothing. Everything turns to black. The sound of silence becomes deafening. Thoughts begin to empty from the mind. The smell of the coffee disappears. And there in front of them, in back of them, outside of them, inside of them, they feel nothing and everything.

If God expressed His will to you, would you change His words? Would you add to it? Would you edit it? Would you give it a grand title? Would you turn it into your own?

By changing God’s word, do we not take His breath and suffocate ourselves? Like weights upon our chest, do we not add burdens to our heart, rather than setting ourselves free?

Perhaps to express God’s will is to Be, not to be seen, to be heard or to be followed, but to Be. Perhaps if God were God, He would not need judges to persecute, politicians to rally on His behalf, or ideologues to frame His intentions. If God were God, perhaps His words would stand on their own, without need for justification or convincing. Unconditional love is an unending Source.

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Would you be so bold so as to speak for God/Allah? Are you so comfortable in knowing the Divine, that you would disregard your brothers and sisters? Would you deny another’s personal relationship with God at the risk of forsaking your own? When the left damns the right and the right damns the left, will you go to the center? When the world is upside down and what’s wrong is right and what’s right is wrong, will you then question yourself? When the world and all that you know is spinning out of control, will you then take the time to peer into the stillness? When the waves have crashed and you have been obliterated, will you say that you have been reborn? Do not cry for the lost, lest you have given up on them. Do not damn the wicked, lest you have turned your back on them. Do not love them less, lest you have turned your back on yourself.