If I am to trust what I hear, I am left to decide whether I have heard the voices of men, songs of birds, or the persistent wind that blows through my mind.

If I am to trust what I smell, I am left with my nose in the air as if to search out a scent, or an idea or an emotion so deeply tied to that which illicits my quandary.

If I trust what I feel, I am left to decipher the aches and pains of hardships past, or the real and sometimes forgotten suffering of those left silent.

Trust, I must. “Who?” or “What?” is the question. To my mind in silence I retreat. It tells me of stories heard, emotions felt and images seen. Filtered with today’s “truth” I see a world built for my mind. It entertains me. It convinces me of what I want. But what I want, I do not know. My mind tells me.

Can it write the play and be the actors? It tells me of impossibilities, when what I want are all the possibilities. It cannot fathom what it hides inside of itself. A shell worn thin, the truth peaks thru. The beating heart, it never withdrew. Love firm, a trust I know. Forgotten and neglected, if there is something to trust, may it be my heart, I know to be just.

photo credit: Wee Notions

We can search for the things we think will make us happy, but if it’s not really the truth, or if it distracts us from a greater love, or a greater happiness, what have we done? Have we wasted our time? Some will say “No,” because at least we will have traveled a path to tell us what not to do, but those paths can be infinite? Yes, those experiences give us perspective, but we must also ask ourselves, how far do we want to sink before we will put up our heads to breathe?

It’s not necessary to suffocate ourselves before we are ready to accept what life has to offer us, even if it’s not quite what we expected. Try to find peace, and we are met with road blocks. Try to find love, and we put conditions on how that love should be given and received. Try to help others, and we hold it against a person if they are not ready for the help.

Perhaps if we could just learn to appreciate what comes in life, we will be able to see all the blessings that have been bestowed on us. There won’t be that need to complain about the aching back, the weather that isn’t quite perfect enough, or the lack of sleep from a mind that endlessly worries about what to do next. We can either spend our time searching for oracles or we can enjoy life.

People come to us for different reasons. Sometimes it is so we can help them to see themselves better, or to gain understanding from a situation. And other times it is so we too can learn from others. Friends or acquaintances from years past show up to give sage advice. Strangers from nowhere give reassuring smiles. Other times the wind blows just right, and a thought or memory is stirred.

Whether we perceive these things as burdens or powerful gestures that we are loved is up to us. Despite how we decide to accept or reject the people or things that come into our lives, it will not stop the reminders. It will not stop the reminders that we are all loved. It will not stop the reminders that we are all part of something very special. Whether we choose to see it now or later, that gift is always there.

We must allow others to make their own decisions even if we do not understand the reasons or motives behind them. It is not our place to ridicule or to guilt someone into a decision that suits us rather than the person who actually has to live with the choice. We have our chance and so we must allow others to have their chance as well.

The road starts to disappear, a clear path seems to be overgrown with obstacles, and what we are left with is the trust that we’ll get through it all. We can grab the wheel of control tighter or we can let things take its course. However at some point we have to understand that no amount of maneuvering or trying to drive from the backseat will change the outcome. It only adds to the stress and to the feeling that everything has slipped from our grips. So in the end we can sit and enjoy the ride or we can try to avoid facing ourselves.

This does not mean taking a back seat to life, but quite the opposite. It means enjoying every aspect of it. It means not counting the time. It means not worrying about what’s in back of you or necessarily what’s two steps in front of you. It means living for the moment, regardless of what comes. It means accepting the lessons of life, whether they come as happy moments or heartaches. It means learning to take joy even in those difficult moments when we find it difficult to stare ourselves in the mirror.

We’ve got to face this road, but not alone, never alone. That is a choice, like all other choices, made from a place of love and serenity, or from a place of fear and loathing. Though we might sometimes come from a place of fear or hurt, it’s never too late to turn a new leaf, to shine a light on a difficult moment, and enjoy life.

Jumping horse.
Fallen hurdle.

Half moon.
Half faced.

High horse.
Walking the course.

Ahh!!!

photo credit: Horse Head by Nenad Stojanovic

Perhaps no one is to say what is right versus what is wrong, for in the end we must be able to accept what sits in our own hearts. We must be able to accept our actions or inactions, and our thoughts, both constructive and destructive. It is difficult enough to find understanding in our own thoughts and actions, let alone in the thoughts and actions of others. If we can allow others the freedom to discover themselves, then maybe one day we can find a common understanding, an understanding that was always there, but just overlooked.

As we find ourselves in more self-isolation, we must ask whether we have really followed the truth, or forsaken it out of fear of being wrong, or pride for wishing to be in the right. As if to hold our arms crossed against our chest, we can often find ourselves defending something without asking “why?” Why if we have truly found inner peace do we defend something so strongly and disallow others from finding it themselves?

No amount of preaching, repetition, or immersion can force a person to understanding without first the will and the desire to understand. This comes differently in each person, but we must be patient enough to allow it to bloom in its own time and nurture it with love from all sides.

My dream or so it was a long time ago as a child was to be happy, for my family, my parents to be happy. It was for a world with peace. I wasn’t sure about everything else. I saw that not having to worry about money made some happy, or rather made some think they were happy. I saw that those who had prestigious jobs or a higher education made some think they were happy. I also saw that receiving presents or buying cars and being seen made others think they were happy. All the while, in the back of my mind, but at the front of my heart, I still clung onto that dream of peace, internally and externally for others.

I was never sure how to achieve that dream, my dream as a child. Sometimes I thought the best way to achieve it was to force it on others. Other times I thought I could take away people’s choices, or make a person feel there was no other choice but mine. Demonization and using guilt were other ways. None of these ways seemed to work, at least not for long. People were making choices that seemed to agree with what I thought I wanted, but not always because they truly wanted to make that choice. Some felt pressured. Some felt guilt ridden. Some did it to show face.

What’s peace, without open acceptance? It’s meaningless. What’s happiness if it’s temporary, or comes at the cost of someone else’s happiness? It’s meaningless. Your dream, and my dream; Perhaps they are the same, or perhaps we envision their realization differently? But is what is seemingly good for one, also good for all? At what cost will your happiness or my happiness come?

The cost of happiness…is free.

When the faculties of the mind try to define, it can only do so with the tools given to it by the heart and soul. By itself it is a like a child who has realized his own existence for the first time. It seeks to be seen, and to define all that it experiences. The concept of evil cannot not enter the heart without judgment from the mind.

The heart accepts, while the mind distinguishes. All differences are perceived, the difference between truths, between light and dark, and all that is good and all that is bad. The heart’s embrace heals all differences. No definition by man, whether entered through the heart, spirit, soul, or mind can change that which is all, and that which cannot be defined.

No matter how much we try to confine the heart, the conscious mind, will of the spirit, or emotional body, it’s connection to the essence that is life, is all encompassing.

Man would call himself complicated, and made of many parts. By himself he is nothing, but when broken down to his essence he is like a tiny version of the universe. Like a walking contradiction we seek to define ourselves. And when we can release those definitions and see past the confines of the words and models by which we try to wrap our minds around life and existence itself, we can then see the heart working in unison with the mind, spirit, soul and body. We can then see our true selves.