Sidewalk Bends

It is easy to blame ourselves for not being better human beings, for not loving each other enough, for not being there enough when it counts. It is so easy to beat ourselves up that we even look for any reason to be hard on ourselves. We want so much to be perfect, to say the right things and do the right things. Perhaps what is more important than trying to be everything to everyone, or trying to make each moment as perfect as we want it to be, is that we just stop long enough to be ourselves.

Perhaps there is no need to impress, to lead with our best foot forward, because in being ourselves, each step is our best foot forward. By being ourselves, and removing those inhibitions that prevent us from saying what we want to say, and doing what we want to do, we bring honor to all that is. No longer ashamed, or afraid of being who we are, perhaps we can accept all that we each have to give.

There is no imperfection or miscalculation. There are no slights, or offenses. There is no spite, or jealousy. There is just simply understanding. There is understanding that what we each bring to the table is a different face of God, a different face of humanity. And if we are so ashamed of humanity, perhaps it is not humanity that we are ashamed of, but rather our lack of understanding of our place in it.

So let us not blame each other, or even ourselves. Let us simply be. Let us be without fear of reprisal, or judgment. Let us be without indignation and indifference. Let us be without regrets. Let us be.

This is dedicated to my mom who inspired this thought.

Several years ago while meditating I decided to ask God to show me Himself. I asked Him to show me what God is, and to remove any of my preconceived thoughts of God and of existence itself. I asked that any internal and external biases be removed so that I may come to understand.

As I asked this through my heart, I attempted to quiet my mind. What I experienced and what I saw I could not expect. With my eyes opened, I became blind. I could not see anything. Slowly my vision went, and everything became black. There was not even a hint of light. With my ears straining to hear any voice or sound, I could hear nothing. The buzzing of the street lights disappeared and the distant traffic became non-existent to my ears. I had become deaf. Next my racing mind seemed to pause. All thoughts sank away. Not even an image or random thought had crossed my mind. It was quiet, yet at the same time I was all too aware that it was quiet. It was not overwhelming. I was peace.

Not a worry had occupied me. As I became aware of this emptiness, this lack of sensation, I began to see a tunnel in my mind’s eye. At the end or perhaps it was the beginning, I saw what appeared to be a green light, beckoning, almost like a cocoon. With that, I began to hear again and I began to see again. The image had disappeared and thoughts came flooding back.

At the time this occurred, I thought I had understood what happened. I thought I knew what God or perhaps my inner self was trying to tell me. I found solace in this quietness, this communion of sorts. And yet today I found myself seeing more understanding in this experience. I found God to be everything, and at the same time I found God to be nothing. I found God to be peace, inner peace, a choice seemingly made by me, but not entirely by me. Perhaps like a seed in our heart, God is there waiting to be nurtured, waiting to show us our true selves, our true potential.

What or who is God to you?

Is there war? Does there have to be war? To many the answers are obvious. One only needs to look out their window or turn on the television to see the effects and destruction of war. It’s easy to point out examples now and throughout time. The answer almost seems matter of fact, and yet perhaps it doesn’t have to be that way.

Is there war or is there only struggle? Internal and external struggles, perhaps they are the same. In others we see our shortcomings. We see the things we would like to change in ourselves. But rather than seek a path to understanding ourselves, we fight and we deny. We deny others a choice so that we do not have to face the one choice that sits right in front of us.

Rather than try to ask ourselves why we struggle to accept, or why we have each chosen the path we have selected, it almost seems easier to destroy all the things we do not yet understand and all the things we have chosen to deny. Is there war? Again, the answer seems an obvious one. We see others fighting and destroying each other, and yet this war is right inside each of us. In each of us there is a struggle. It’s not the struggle to fight what is right versus what is wrong. Instead it is the struggle to love ourselves. It is the struggle to accept ourselves in the face of self-denial.

When we are faced with questions that seem obvious, yet seem filled with doubts, we often cater to the responses of our friends. We pander to our inner monk. We bend the will of our heart in hopes of counting all of the nods of approval. To this we must ask ourselves, is it better to be ourselves or is it better to count the pupils that burn a hole through our very soul?

We can try to fill a void with praises and head counts, but until we can face ourselves, and until we can put down that inner struggle, will we be able to see our true selves. We are the prying eyes. We are the countless voices. We are the emptiness. We are the fullness in every breath. We are the inner and we are the outer. We are all there is.

There is no such thing as stability when it comes to one’s life path. It is simply trust, misplaced. We take comfort in the constructs that we create in life. We tell ourselves that if we go to school and become educated that we will have a good job when we’re finished. We tell ourselves that if we save our money that it will always be there for a rainy day. We tell ourselves that if we show loyalty to people that others will reciprocate. We tell ourselves all of these things in the hopes that it all might just come true.

We live our lives expecting a specific set of possible outcomes, but when those outcomes are different, it causes us confusion. It causes us to question our very existence. The person who sought to educate themselves is now faced with having to compete with others of a similar background for a single position. The person, who saved, is now faced with inflation that outpaces one’s savings. The person who was loyal is now faced with the realization that his loyalty meant nothing to the one he sought to impress.

Our lives are filled with similar examples of misplaced trust. When our expectations are not met, we blame others, and we blame ourselves. We become self-destructive when what we really need is to open our hearts and our minds to what truly exists, and to what truly matters.

We spend so much of our time contemplating the what-if moments, the possibilities, but we never ask ourselves, does it matter? Is the purpose of life to earn money? Is the purpose of life to try and learn every possible thing we can? Is the purpose of life to impress others? Perhaps it is none of these things. Perhaps it is simply to express oneself, to take joy in each moment, as it comes, regardless of how it we are perceived. A moment not judged, is a moment lived, and yet here we are judging ourselves each step of the way.

The future never matters as much as the present because no matter how hard you try to capture what is front of you, it is always just out of reach and understanding. The future cannot be understood without the present, just as the present cannot be understood without the past. And though we might feel we have a grasp on all three, each is dependent on the other. As impossible as that may seem, our perception of the now, is constantly in flux. It is influenced by our emotions, and the very things that stir us and put us to sleep.

Reality is what we make it. Acceptance is what we make it. Expectations are what we make them. And yet all of these things are not mutually exclusive, with each potentially depending on the other. However, we can choose to live in a world of potentials or we can choose our fate at every moment. As seemingly out of control as life may sometimes appear, we have control over every aspect of how we choose to accept life. We may choose to accept life as a series of disconnected events seemingly pointing us to an end or a glorious epiphany, or we can choose to see life as a series of choices and events in which we play a very active role.

At each step and each moment, we can choose whether to accept what is before us. We can attempt to change the circumstance with which our present existence is framed, or we can live in the now, enjoying and living each moment of happiness and pain that life has to offer. And though part of us may want to judge and weigh the importance of each event that life presents, we also have the choice to see the love that is in every moment of every breath. The future is in flux, and yet so is the past. They may appear static, but life is what we can accept. And sometimes I choose to accept all of it. Can you?

Disbelief and self-doubt are powerful in their ability to destroy oneself and even those whom would place their trust blindly with others. No matter how inclined one is to follow a particular path or mode of thinking, seeing the doubt that others may have in the same idea can often be detrimental to one’s own ability to believe.

Where a bridge stood or a rope supported one’s weight, the support fades and we are left to question our own faith, and our own motives. Have we followed others all along, or have we forged our own path? Are we truly comfortable in our own skin, or have we lived off of the support of others?

Doubt can bring a phalanx down, but when confronted with a chance to redeem oneself, there is no turning back. There is only Us in the end, no one stronger, smarter, or more prepared. There is only Us and yet all we have to confront is ourselves.

It is not a burden to feel a person’s pain if we care enough to help them through it. It is not a burden to hear the heartache of a friend or a stranger if they themselves can release a weight that brings them suffering. It is not a burden to wipe the tears off someone’s face if it allows them to stare at the world without shame again.

People come to us for different reasons. Sometimes it is so we can help them to see themselves better, or to gain understanding from a situation. And other times it is so we too can learn from others. Friends or acquaintances from years past show up to give sage advice. Strangers from nowhere give reassuring smiles. Other times the wind blows just right, and a thought or memory is stirred.

Whether we perceive these things as burdens or powerful gestures that we are loved is up to us. Despite how we decide to accept or reject the people or things that come into our lives, it will not stop the reminders. It will not stop the reminders that we are all loved. It will not stop the reminders that we are all part of something very special. Whether we choose to see it now or later, that gift is always there.

There are things in life that have to take its course. Although we would like to have control over every single aspect of every event that happens to us in life, we have to understand that what happens is not always understood right away, or ever for that matter. Grabbing on to every bit of life for the sake of feeling in control only leads us to doubt ourselves when the things we think are going to happen don’t quite match up with what we’ve told ourselves.

The road starts to disappear, a clear path seems to be overgrown with obstacles, and what we are left with is the trust that we’ll get through it all. We can grab the wheel of control tighter or we can let things take its course. However at some point we have to understand that no amount of maneuvering or trying to drive from the backseat will change the outcome. It only adds to the stress and to the feeling that everything has slipped from our grips. So in the end we can sit and enjoy the ride or we can try to avoid facing ourselves.

This does not mean taking a back seat to life, but quite the opposite. It means enjoying every aspect of it. It means not counting the time. It means not worrying about what’s in back of you or necessarily what’s two steps in front of you. It means living for the moment, regardless of what comes. It means accepting the lessons of life, whether they come as happy moments or heartaches. It means learning to take joy even in those difficult moments when we find it difficult to stare ourselves in the mirror.

We’ve got to face this road, but not alone, never alone. That is a choice, like all other choices, made from a place of love and serenity, or from a place of fear and loathing. Though we might sometimes come from a place of fear or hurt, it’s never too late to turn a new leaf, to shine a light on a difficult moment, and enjoy life.

When we grab for the first glimmer of understanding or truth we can get our hands on, we can trip on ourselves. With our focus on one word, one phrase, one page, or one book, we have closed our eyes to an entire world. We have closed ourselves from pieces of ourselves, each with something to show. In our haste, and in our desire to be first, or to be right, it is easy to overlook what lies just beyond, or right in front of us.

Perhaps no one is to say what is right versus what is wrong, for in the end we must be able to accept what sits in our own hearts. We must be able to accept our actions or inactions, and our thoughts, both constructive and destructive. It is difficult enough to find understanding in our own thoughts and actions, let alone in the thoughts and actions of others. If we can allow others the freedom to discover themselves, then maybe one day we can find a common understanding, an understanding that was always there, but just overlooked.

The perfect life, the dream; It doesn’t exist unless we make it exist. By our doing we force our dreams to become a reality. But what are those dreams? Are they the things that we tell ourselves will make us happy? Is it the dream of wealth, the dream of being heard and recognized, the dream of fame, the dream of comfort through worldly or emotional needs? What is it that drives us?

My dream or so it was a long time ago as a child was to be happy, for my family, my parents to be happy. It was for a world with peace. I wasn’t sure about everything else. I saw that not having to worry about money made some happy, or rather made some think they were happy. I saw that those who had prestigious jobs or a higher education made some think they were happy. I also saw that receiving presents or buying cars and being seen made others think they were happy. All the while, in the back of my mind, but at the front of my heart, I still clung onto that dream of peace, internally and externally for others.

I was never sure how to achieve that dream, my dream as a child. Sometimes I thought the best way to achieve it was to force it on others. Other times I thought I could take away people’s choices, or make a person feel there was no other choice but mine. Demonization and using guilt were other ways. None of these ways seemed to work, at least not for long. People were making choices that seemed to agree with what I thought I wanted, but not always because they truly wanted to make that choice. Some felt pressured. Some felt guilt ridden. Some did it to show face.

What’s peace, without open acceptance? It’s meaningless. What’s happiness if it’s temporary, or comes at the cost of someone else’s happiness? It’s meaningless. Your dream, and my dream; Perhaps they are the same, or perhaps we envision their realization differently? But is what is seemingly good for one, also good for all? At what cost will your happiness or my happiness come?

The cost of happiness…is free.